maine (the simplicity of this title urges me to write this extra blurb ... blurb)

Friday, September 17, 2010 | |

We went to Maine. A vacation to Maine. Camping, in Maine, for 6 days.

Really, I don't know what I was thinking. Ok, I know what I was thinking. I was thinking I was gonna do this because I had heard how beautiful Maine is (it's true), and I was thinking I'm gonna do this camping thing because I know how much Rob loves nature (he does).

And all that amazing feel good stuff got in the way of me remembering that ... I AM PETRIFIED OF THE WOODS.

No really, stop placating me. I'm not being dramatic, I'm not 'working myself up for nothing', I'

Some people actually don't like camping, novel idea to some I know. (I kept thinking all week, damn white people, really?! : stuff white people like: camping).

So let's put this out there ... I STILL don't like camping. I'm not converted, I didn't come to God out in the wilderness, I am still not messing with dark woods at night.

But I feel really filled up inside to be able to be a part of this:

and this:

and especially this:

After 7 years of being with Rob, I saw new sides of him. Sides I know I wouldn't have seen if I didn't take some time to put myself in new places beside him.

I'm learning every day (especially now with the acceptance of my weak heart) that I stifle way too much in order to be there for others, or rise above (or stuff down) my own feelings to make room for the nurturing of others' lives.

But this trip was different. It was, rather, the acceptance and vocalization of my own fears and feelings surrounding this new adventure (and what it stirred up in me) that allowed me to make room for what I knew deserved to be experienced by the person I share my life with.

I am starting to realize that I didn't have to stifle myself by keeping in my own worries or apprehensions (or any other feeling that may arise, ever) in order for someone else to feel what they need to feel.

Because really ... my feeling needs to be heard too. And sometimes it will interfere with your shit (let's keep it real). And that feel-good feeling you had may be diluted or re-shaped to make room for the stuff I want to share as well. And this is life. And you (my friends, family, world) will learn how to accept a new me. An ever changing me.

A Nikki that you will be surprised by, saddened by, elated by.

Because I'm sort of tired of letting the show be all about you. I shine way too damn bright to have it any other way.