tick tock and ya don't stop

I always learn so much more about myself (and others) when I spend time with my family. Our recent vacation to Florida to stay with our grandparents and hang with my parents and baby sister was another shining example.

I have spent a lot of my time growing up ignoring my family, fighting with my family, cursing I was ever born into my family (Ok, that's an exaggeration. Ma did always say I was quite dramatic.) But I have also always had an intense loyalty to my family. This is in part how I was raised (the personalities of my parents, their own upbringing/experiences, etc.) This is also in part due to my culture/heritage. My Irish family believes strongly in standing up for yourself and your "own", even if this means resorting to knocking someone the eff out. No really, this is encouraged.

I'm sure you can imagine that coming from a family who encouraged loyalty at all costs, you would have several pretty strong-headed people under the same roof. I am sure you can also imagine this led to heated arguments, flying fists, and other crazy antics that I really shouldn't recount here.

And so coming back to that family, I am oddly comforted by the camaraderie we all feel in knowing that even though out in the big, wide world we are seen as pushy and demanding, opinionated and outspoken ... we can be that way together. And we can remember why we do it.

We do it because there is nothing greater we care about than one another. There is no stronger feeling I could possibly have than the innate desire to protect my family in any way possible. And while our actions confuse you, and you can't figure out one good reason why what we do would ever look anything like "love" or "care" or "compassion", this is what makes us work.

And I have spent a large portion of my time here on this earth trying to figure out how to "soften my edges", how to hide this part of myself to make me appear less aggressive, less angry, and more accommodating.

But fuck accommodating.

Because when you get me, you get me. And when you get me, you realize that the fight to keep myself together is the very way I am able to keep my heart open. And when you realize I fight for what I fight for, in order to love that very thing with all of my being without an ounce of hate in my body ... you can see that my family taught me well.

And all of those years I spent wondering what in sweet mother glory's name these crazy people were teaching me, I realize now that I have been given such an amazing gift. The gift of "give a damn". And I give a damn so much that I have no problem fighting to love you.